I have always used writing on this blog as a tool. A learning method that crystallizes an embodiment of wisdom within my being. Today is a big one. A finale and culmination of years worth of work. I need this article to bring it all into focus within me and to be a beacon that lights the way forward. It is early morning, the sun will not rise for a couple hours. Here in the stillness just before the birth of dawn, I too find I must birth a higher version of myself through these words. They are the midwife that will assist me in the process of embodiment and transformation. A process that will return me to a purer state of being. A process that started here in Italy in 2021 but is willing its way to completion through these words. Through labor pains of energy transiting the birth canal of my mind along neural pathways that allow my fingers to type, slowly the form of this gestation period will reveal itself. Let the birthing begin!
I have spent most of my life feeling as if I do not belong in certain settings. In work, school, society, etc. I always felt like I was an outsider or inferior because somehow I lacked what others seemed to have. I tried to prove myself worthy, by trying to be the smartest, using knowledge or grades to cover up my feelings of lack. I never really found the source of that feeling until recently. I always thought it was because of the traumatic childhood that I had, the constant moving, poverty, drugs, violence, etc. But those things have long been gone from my being through years of healing and embodiment of Divine wisdom. So imagine my surprise when I returned to university to find that those feelings of being an outsider still prevailed in structured social settings.
My time here has been incredibly challenging. Many of the traumas that I healed from my past were caused in adulthood by traumas that formed because of programs created in my core. We could call it the core operating system of my brain, my inner child, or any of the other names across the spectrum of psychology and spirituality. What I can say from an embodiment and ascension point of view is that these are the programs and patterns that form the foundation of our reality which we acquire/create in our childhood up to around age twelve. We then move into building our life on that foundation starting in adolescence as we prepare to leave the nest and begin our own life. Since 2021 when I had the Sacred Marriage a new phase in my evolution opened. It was time to heal the core programs that had caused the self-created traumas of my adulthood. This required breaking apart the entire foundation of my reality at the core level of being.
In order to reconstruct the foundation or core within the organic blueprint of Creation I had to first destroy the old one. This has been an ongoing process that began to finalize when I started the experience here in Padova. I entered the reality through a quantum shift in my own consciousness in which I reincarnated back in time to allow a part of my self, the core or inner child, the opportunity to evolve in a more organic and authentic way than it did previously. Quantum shifting within the human vessel was made possible because of the physical body ascension process that I had previously completed. This allowed my consciousness to shift within space and time as needed to assist my own self with this process. But I am not writing today so much about the technical aspects of this process and how we can live and shift within quantum realities free of time. Instead I would like to write about that feeling of being an outsider, not fitting in with the crowd, what this meant for me growing up in a world that did not support me in seeing beyond this limiting belief, and the profound journey of realizing the power of our authentic self without sacrificing it to fit in. I also want to write about the system which I found at the university and the inner struggle between fitting within it or breaking free of it.
Embodiment through Challenge and Triggers
Prior to coming here, I was living my life very freely. Perhaps too freely because I was only operating from the core of my Divine essence and not in connection and harmony with my human essence. The human essence, or we could say, certain stargates within our light body that correspond to certain areas of our brain, are the ones that ground us into this physical human reality and allow us to bring our creative Divine energy into tangible form and abundance in this physical realm. Looking back now I can see that I was not able to do that fully because my core human programming was still not completely healed and wired into the organic blueprint structure and quantum fabric/foundation of Creation. The time had never arrived for this to happen. Everything arrives in Divine time and since setting my first foot in Italy, the birthplace of our modern world, the wheels of karma have been set in motion for the process of fully healing and connecting this core part of my being to the quantum foundation of reality and the organic blueprints of Creation. The reason for this has to do with the collective ascension and where we are within the evolution of our human consciousness. I will write more about this later because what I am doing here is part of the larger picture of evolution and building of the organic collective blueprints. Which is part of the collective ascension.
I have been at the University of Padova for a year now. Everything about the experience has completely disrupted my life and has been designed to break that part of myself that was still operating on the old foundation of reality. It has been hell. Just like my life was before I renounced it years ago and began my physical body ascension journey. It is not the knowledge that is the problem per se. It is the system that we have created to disseminate and guard that knowledge that is the problem. It has been hell because everything about the experience is designed to make the human suffer to receive it. A system itself that has its roots in an operating system of reality with power distortions based on imperial power and religious suffering. Christ had to suffer for humanity and in turn we must suffer through everything in this life to achieve glory in the afterlife. We have created our own hell because we believe we are sinners. And one man who must be a white man gets to hold all the power. The same Caesar program running over and over through our modern world. While these structures may not be visible to most people it is part of my design within this world to break free of such structures. These structures and their dismantling I will write more about in the coming weeks.
The reality is that the current “modern” models of learning have their roots in an operating system of separation and suffering. I could not see this when I first arrived here in Padova. Nor could I see it as a child or young adult because I was too busy trying to survive within it to notice. I simply felt like an outsider trying to get in or get somewhere in this life. Someone trying to fit into the fold but I could not do that without completely sacrificing my authenticity. Sacrificing my authenticity to fit into society is what destroyed my adult life before my spiritual awakening and there was no way I could allow that to happen now that I was repeating the process. This time I came armed with the power of my full being running in the background as loving parents guiding me to evolve into my true power and authenticity. The part of me experiencing this reality in Padova was only a small fraction of who I am as a whole being. I allowed the inner child to have the experience needed to bring that part of myself into full sovereignty. Not by revealing these things to myself in the beginning of the experience but by allowing that part of myself to have the full experience with only the guidance necessary to get me through this thing until that part of myself could make the choice needed to transcend the experience.
This meant that I (as the inner child) had to go through the trials and tribulations of being within this university matrix system. First not being able to find a place to live. Then the agonizing experience of coming into realization that I felt not worthy of getting what I need in life to succeed. Then transcending that limiting belief into the wisdom of knowing that I do not have to settle or suffer in a place or situation that is uncomfortable or unsafe for me. Then came the schedule of my time or energy in this experience. It is a system that does not value the health and wellness of the brain and body or the energy of the student. Days without lunch breaks, classes spread out so you have to practically run to get across town to the next class, with no break for the mind or body, a course load that stretches your mental resources beyond capacity, etc. Classes where new information comes at you everyday so that learning becomes about memorizing and surviving from one exam to another without any time for deep learning and reflection. This is a superficial method of learning that never penetrates deeply into the mind, seeding the consciousness, and allowing for embodiment of knowledge into wisdom. Effectively becoming a waste of time and energy just to pass an exam or get a piece of paper. A piece of paper is not a measurement of knowledge, only through embodiment does knowledge become wisdom that changes who we are.
Slowly over time this system began to erode my energy. By the end of the first year I was toast. When I returned to my home Serenity over the summer my nervous system had completely collapsed from being in survival mode, fight or flight, for an entire year. The experience had physically broken me. But it is in the breaks that crack us open that the light can shine through to illuminate that which needs illuminating. Through these revelations I was able to return to Padova for another year of studies. I thought that I had made the necessary adjustments within me to be able to continue my time at the university without having to drain myself again. It was a valiant plan and I worked hard to ensure I created space within my reality for my mind, body, and spirit. Classes for the mind, Pilates for the body, and time away at my apartment in the mountains each week for the spirit – but always on the move! It seemed to be a fail safe plan. What I failed to see was that I was still trying to find a way to operate within the old system that I was never designed to operate within as my authentic self.
After two weeks back in school the facade of this new plan began to crack and beneath it lay the same old stories that were there before. Literally a new facade in the fact that I had manipulated myself into thinking makeup, new clothes, along with the story that I was going to radiate from within to illuminate my reality with this new physical facade and energetic facade. The slippery slope to losing our authenticity is often a long process that leads to the day when we no longer know who we truly are. Veneer always cracks under pressure and during a Latin class last week it not only cracked, it began the process of crumbling to the ground. The program I am studying at the university was asking me to learn Latin in three months while still trying to learn Italian and shift into Italian college level courses. Along with other subjects this seemed a crushing burden that my heart was absolutely not prepared to support me through this time around. My energy could not withstand it and I knew this. But it was the inner child, the part of me having this experience for evolution that needed to be the one to make the decision. This final decision has come in stages. Peeling away layer after layer of illusion and fear.
First I decided that giving up Latin and focusing primarily on Italian would solve my problems and allow me to continue in the program. I also wrote to a friend in my program and asked her to help me get into the fold in one of our classes because I have felt like an outsider. These were gallant strides towards trying to “fit in” to the system and continue to operate within it. But at the cost of what? My authenticity? I began attending a class I did not fit into in my heart because I convinced myself I would not succeed in the program without it. The point of all this is that I was trying to change myself to adapt to a system that has (unconsciously) never had my best interests in mind. Recently, I have had several conversations with other people in my program. They have become valuable reflections that have helped me to see and calibrate my inner truth within this experience. Yesterday, the pieces of the puzzle all began coming together and the bigger picture of what is happening here came into focus.
This feeling that lingered in me as a child and young adult of not fitting in, that had also followed me into my professional life, my church life, and practically every part of my previous life in which alcohol was not involved socially began to look differently than I have ever perceived it before. The first time I ever felt comfortable in my own skin was when I renounced my “earthy” life and began the shift to living authentically as spiritual self. When I removed the facade I had created, all the masks, and showed up for and as myself I could feel my connection to everything. Only I now know I was still suppressing a part of my authentic self that had not evolved, which was the inner child or core human programming. I never really fully entered society again after leaving it until living in Italy. Looking at it now I can see that was because there was still this part of myself that believed she did not belong. When I returned to this experience in Italy those feelings were triggered. This is why alcohol plays such a staring role in our society, in celebrations, sporting events, etc. We use it as a tool to interact when we do not have the structured roles of work, school, etc., to hide behind. Our society is scared to be authentic or vulnerable because we are all secretly fighting for and sometimes against each other for survival.
I began to believe that this feeling of not fitting in was something I was here to fully overcome. In a way it was, however in a deeper and more profound understanding of my authentic self. That feeling of not fitting in has nothing to do with something being wrong with me or because of the way I was raised. In fact, it is not a problem at all. It is a super power within me that keeps me rooted to my authenticity and to my design within this creation as a Divine Architect. If I ‘fit” into the old structures and blueprints how could I ever break free of them to bring a new blueprint and a new way of experiencing reality. If on varying levels or dimensions of reality we have purposes, then is this not one of the main purposes of my life – to break free of the programs of separation. If I am fit snuggly into an old structure of reality how can I create a bridge to a new way of living, a new world, that assists with the collective evolution of our planet. When I was a child no one ever gave me permission to be anything I wanted to be. You either conformed or you did not survive. I had no idea that the feeling of not fitting in was not because there was something wrong with me. It was my authentic self trying to show me that I did not have to! None of us do!
I should be clear that not fitting into a system does not mean not being connected to humanity and to others. I have very meaningful relationships with others but they are deeper and more authentic. I am connected to all of humanity and Creation through the quantum fabric that exists before the programs of separation that create these systems. This is the piece of the puzzle that my inner child was missing. No I do not fit in to the old system and I never will. It is my dharma this lifetime to be a catalyst for change. Finally I can move beyond the limitations that those old beliefs held over me. I wrote in my journal this past weekend that knowledge is not measured by a piece of paper. When did we collectively decide that to be knowledgeable one needed a piece of paper as proof? I decided to look into modern learning systems as well as those from before this “modern man” program crystallized within our human consciousness and reality. The results confirmed what I felt in my gut all along.
The university I attend is one of the oldest in the western world, established in 1222. It is second only to the University of Bologna as the oldest, which was established in 1088. This was right around the time when the blueprints for our modern world were being crystallized during the Middle Ages. A lot of the programs that are causing the world so much suffering have their roots during this time. It has been a necessary part of our human development, especially from a biological standpoint, something else I will write more about soon. But suffice to say that the current learning structures and systems have their roots here. The main features of this modern learning system includes learning as something separated from daily life. It is based on linear and progressive timelines which we know are perceived and experienced as disconnected from the totality of Creation. It is aimed more at knowledge and skills needed to survive or make a living (money) in the world. The power is in the hands of big institutions that have become businesses. The learning experience is more abstract and textual, producing scholars detached from everyday life with only specialized skill sets. Whereas before these structures were created, learning was more integrated into daily life and work. It was more about embodiment and relating it to one’s entire life. Learning was about cultivating wisdom or virtue and was more cyclical and rhythmic as it waxed and waned with the seasons and available light. Whether someone was learning from texts and shared wisdom in a monastery or learning how to plant and cultivate with the earth and seasons, the structure was move inclusive to life as a whole. It was not something you had to separate yourself from to achieve and experience.
Understanding this had a profound affect on validating a lot of feelings I have been wrestling with since arriving at the university. It has been torture to have to choose between my home and school. To have to travel and uproot my daily life in order to learn. It has been difficult to constantly receive new information before I have had time to sit with a text and read it thoroughly and reflect on its contents. The entire experience seems rushed and based on the same consumerism that seems to permeate our entire society. I have had to witness the elitism of academics who believe that anyone without their education is ignorant and incompetent. I know that even the man who runs that plow can have a greater understanding of the world than the man who can quote Aristotle or Dante. I have seen how information has been withheld from the masses who cannot afford or have the opportunity to leave their daily lives and go off to university. And I have experienced first hand the outdated methods that tax the mind and body beyond healthy limits. Where students rely on less sleep, more caffeine, hurried meals, and sitting all day in uncomfortable seats all in the name of a “higher” education that will allow them to simply survive and support themselves in a world that expects them to do it all by themselves.
But alas the mask has fallen and I see beneath the carefully curated facade of the university system. It is the same programs of suffering, exclusivity, and sacrificial authenticity programs that plague all faucets of our society. Then I looked at myself in the mirror and I asked if this is the system that I want to continue to support and show up in, just to fit in? The very system I am hard wired to break free from to help usher in a new age for humanity. Then I remembered how I studied ancient philosophies and spiritual traditions in a relaxed environment outside of a traditional school environment, obtaining enough knowledge for more than one degree I am sure. But that knowledge, learned in a more organic environment gave me something much greater than a degree. It became wisdom that penetrated deeply into my being in which I embodied. It changed my entire life. It evolved me into a more loving and compassionate being who is supported by the infinite energy of Creation. There is no degree that could ever supplant this. Here at the university the knowledge is too much, too fast, it seems to linger only in the superficial regions of the brain and then drift away. My memory is shot and my brain is tired. There is no deep penetration or seeding of my consciousness. There is no joy in learning, no embodiment, just a linear path to the next set of material that I am to “learn”. It is the same consuming behavior that permeates our entire society. It leaves me unsatisfied just like in my life before ascension.
I thought that I was coming here to learn human knowledge that I could embody and turn into wisdom. That this knowledge would somehow evolve this part of myself and allow her to fit better into society. But it seems to be having the opposite effect. It only seems to be driving me away from my authentic self into one that must conform to survive within the constructs of the modern learning system. That is not the true organic nature of Creation or how our experience is supposed to be in this world. While I know that I have learned so much from this experience and I have received so many breadcrumbs of knowledge that I will follow up in a more natural relaxed way. I also know that the fruits of this embodiment and birthing process have come from seeing beneath it all, to the core, to the roots of this system, and to the programs that drive it. The same ones within me that drove my desire to believe I needed to be a part of it to have connection in society. Anything done for human desire will not stand the test of time, it will eventually crumble like all human civilizations of the past. Anything done in accordance with Divine nature that moves all thing will stand the test of time and will not crumble.
I will not sacrifice my authenticity to be part of something that does not support my natural state of being and of learning. I am not saying that what is being taught is wrong. We must know where we came from to understand where we are and where we are going. This should be free to everyone. It should also be done without a system that uses this knowledge as a tool or leverage to crush authenticity and drain the energy of those seeking to obtain it. I am a life long learner, I appreciate all the humans that came before me, those that wrote and captured the experience for posterity. The literature stories, the historical accounts, the sculptures, the paintings, the music, all of it. I am a part of all of it all. It is my desire to steep myself in it and not be rushed through it in an effort to pass an exam, receive a diploma, and move on to the next step of a life rooted only in survival.
Trying to learn in such an environment actually shuts down the brain’s ability to learn and retain knowledge. The grey matter in the prefrontal cortex actually shrinks, neural pathways in the brain constrict, and it makes the task of taking on new information extremely difficult. Cortisol floods the body and hormone levels go out of whack causing emotional distress and physical problems. This is because the sympathetic nervous system is engaged in flight or fight from the stress of learning this way. In survival mode, the body is designed to respond and react not relax and receive. So learning in this way becomes an uphill battle like Sisyphus pushing his boulder. Learning is a function of the parasympathetic nervous system which relaxes the body, opens the mind, stimulates grey matter growth in the prefrontal cortex which expands memory and allows for a deep retention of knowledge. This is the environment that supports authenticity and deep learning that allows knowledge to become wisdom.
I recently read that transformation is not about becoming something new, it is about rediscovering what you already are -the eternal (authentic) self. I thought I was coming here to so that my inner child would become someone new. To finally obtain something that part of me always thought I needed to be whole as a part of society. As a child I wanted to go to college to escape my dysfunctional family where no one had even graduated high school. I always thought a college degree was my ticket to freedom. Even after a full body physical ascension, climbing to the top of the spiritual mountain, there was still this seed of desire inside me wanting to sprout. I never thought about going back to school or had the desire to do so until I moved to Italy. I wanted to learn the language and culture so I decided to go back to school. It was supposed to be an enjoyable experience but once a tiny bit of light began to shine on that seed of human desire, it began to sprout. However, the light of separation only grows weak flowers. Only through the eternal light of my heart, the desires of the Divine could that part of myself ever flourish and become part of my whole being. In the light of this awareness, I surrendered this experience to the Divine and through faith and trust have been delivered to where I am now. Birthing my inner child into the heights of Heaven where her Divine parents Christos and Sophia have guided her with the Pure Light of Creation, unconditional love.
When I wrote my admissions essay to gain acceptance into this program I wrote about my excitement of attending a prestigious university with the motto Universa Universis Patavina Libertas, which essentially says that Padua’s freedom is universal to all. I wrote about Galileo and the radical ideas that made him a heretic and how these ideas, that helped to create a new world, were embraced in this “universal freedom” of Padua. If I was to obtain a degree, this felt like the right place at the right time of my life. The university was founded by students seeking freedom to learn in their own way, breaking off from the university of Bologna to create an environment based on these principles. “Freedom of thought and study” is said to be distinctive features of this university. Freedom comes in many packages and I believe in 1222 when those students founded this university they were seeking freedom, a level of freedom that worked for them in that point within space and time. Today, I too am a student seeking freedom. The freedom to learn through embodiment and wisdom in a way that integrates this learning into my entire life and being in a more natural and organic way. Freedom to choose a method that allows me to steep myself within knowledge so that it can permeate my being, allowing me to think and act as my authentic self without altering myself to fit within some predefined path or structure. Freedom to know that I am a cultivated and learned human not because I have a piece of paper from an institution but because I carry wisdom in my heart that allows me to flourish in this human experience.
I will follow an organic path of learning and understanding that is less about consuming knowledge and more about internalizing it so that it becomes wisdom that supports my whole being. Today I invoke the university motto Universa Universis Patavina Libertas by removing myself from the old system and by following my own path to freedom. Padova has provided the space in which my inner child could find her way to universal freedom. Today I graduate the university not with a piece of paper but with wisdom that will forever change how I perceive my place within society. It is time to birth myself and reincarnate back into the wholeness of my being. My mission here is accomplished. The bridge is built between the old and the new. It is time to cross back over to New Earth where I belong. Thank you Padova.
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